Showing Up as Herself

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photos by Jen Fellegi

It wasn’t a moment. It was a presence. It was an absence. It was a question that was calling, and it was hers to answer. We all inhabit this world and we are just trying to figure out what our role is within it. We look back to make sense, we look forward to find hope, and wading here in the present moment, is this space in between. What we make of that space, that is life. We can choose to exist and merely survive, or we can delve deeper, cutting away at the layers and layers that have been put upon us, so that we can discover our true self, the person with whom we identify, the being we choose to be and become, so that every experience we have can be lived to its fullest. Esoteric? Perhaps in theory, but in quotidian application, I think we are all playing some version of this same game. Some of us have a clearer path, fewer obstructions, while some of us have a rocky road ahead and need to dig deep to locate that perseverance and resilience. Either way, the choice isn’t whether we play or not, the real choice is how we show up. It didn’t take more than one conversation with Martine for me to come away with a whole heap of thoughtful insight. In our talk, we touched on what choice really means, how privilege plays a role, and how living in radical truth of who Martine is, is the only way she could ever find happiness and freedom.

At the age of 51, Martine has lived many lives. Her first life in Trois-Rivières was coloured a disquiet family life, replete with ugly divorce and a challenging separated family life. Her saving grace, the banding together of her and her young siblings who forged a solid bond that would hold them together despite the trying times. “I was 8 years old when they got divorced and it was bad. But what came after was even worse. It was many years of them not being able to be in the same room together. My siblings made a real difference in how we coped with everything, because it really impacted us,” Martine explains. “But, today, as grandparents, they found their way. I’ve seen true compassion from my mother and her ability to forgive and that is what I try to focus on. Now we can all finally be together.” Jumping ahead a few decades, when Martine started a family of her own, it was a promise she made to herself that she would never repeat their pattern. “When the mother of my child and I broke things off, we didn’t get along that well, but now, we make a great team. We have a disjointed family, but we really make it work.” A promise Martine made good on, as she expresses that her ex-partner is currently one of her most trusted allies, as is their beloved and beautiful daughter.

It was around the age of 9 that Martine remembers the questions first popping up. “I’ve tried to figure out where and when the switching started and I really don’t know. I guess it was always buried deep inside of me. When I was younger, I would switch to being a woman for a few days and then switch back,” Martine recalls. “I remember thinking that if I had been born a woman, I’d be ok with that. It was something that I dealt with on the inside and in secret. Plus, in the 80s, in a small town like the one I was growing up in, we didn’t have the awareness nor the acceptance that we have today in 2020 (and now living in the metropolitan city I decided to call home in 1999, is of course, an advantage). Back then, gender/gender expression was immediately connected to sexual orientation. We know better now, even if (much) more work needs to be done for a better recognition of trans and non-binary persons, and of LGBTQQIP2SAA+ people in general!'' When Martine was around 43 and the questions started popping up again, this time in a stronger way, there was shock, but there was also a welcoming. “Questions like ‘what is this feeling, what will I do, am I non-binary, am I in-between or androgynous,’ and then imagining myself 2 years from now and 4 or 6 years from now, and I just kept seeing the whole transition happening. I had to be honest with myself. It was a gradual unpacking and with every step I took, I knew I wanted to take more steps.” With an ongoing transition that dates back to around 43, Martine is about a year and a half into a very active social transition (the stuff we see on the outside) and has identified that although “there are an endless number of trans identities, mine is very female, very feminine. I was told more times than I can remember that I have a strong feminine side—don't we all have both masculine and feminine sides in varying degrees anyway?—and, it is as if, at some point in (semi)-recent years, there was a growing and growing urge to express that feminine side of me on the outside.  I have the feeling that I’ve lived many lives inside this one main one. I’m 51 now and I feel 15 I feel like my life is far from being over, it’s really only beginning. So much of my life awaits me. I can be myself and get to know that self all over again. It’s a whole new life and it’s all very exciting.”

Identifying the space in-between as that crucial time Martine spent exploring all of the possibilities, the only true option was to be herself. “I was born a man, but my inside is definitely female. I don’t want to erase my past that’s why I didn’t change my name completely. I added an “e” to Martin because I am one, I am a continuation of the life I had,” Martine explains. Known as the “dead name” in the trans community, Martine clarified that she didn’t feel that she wanted to erase her past life, but she acknowledges the spectrum of gender experiences in the LGBTQIA+ community and each one should be treated as an individual one, each one unique. “I know some people lived in hiding their whole life and had to repress this beautiful person that lived inside of them and so when they finally transition, they want to erase the past, but my past is not a reminder of a painful time. I am not at war with Martin, but it was never a choice to keep going as I was before. This life is the only one I could possibly live right now. I used to have this weird remote feeling that something was missing in my life. I didn’t suffer as a male, but there was a lingering feeling of something missing. But, I am so happy now. There was no choice here, I couldn’t keep going as I was before.” That’s where the true choice comes into play. “I tried to fight it, suppress it, repress it, cancel it,” she laughs. “But it kept coming back stronger each time. There was really only one question: embrace it or suppress it. Those were my only choices and I didn’t want to keep repressing my true self.” Acknowledging that not all experiences are marked with the same level of support and understanding, Martine remarks that hers has been a journey of great privilege.

The term “privilege” holds a lot of weight in today’s world. Such a powerful 9-letter word that’s being thrown around and with good reason. To be privileged (or hold privilege) speaks to your experience of the world. Yes, this can be cut from the cloth of many identity factors like the colour of your skin, the gender you prescribe to, the class you come from, and so on. But I think it is only with access to one’s inner world, thoughts, memories, experience of the world around them that one can truly determine whether a life has been one of privilege. To layer yet another significance to the term, I would also say, although we can create an objective grid of privileged versus non-privileged (à la Crenshaw), there is the subjective experience of feeling privileged. Martine is a great example of a woman who crosses intersectional lines that would place her in the realm of the marginalized, underrepresented, and oppressed. Although she recognizes that she has certain challenges she faces as a transwoman, certain struggles that are stacked against her, she also notes that hers has been a positive and uplifting experience, especially compared to some of the stories she’s heard from her trans community. Martine beams with reserved glee when she states with gratefulness that her life is one of great privilege; the privilege of support, love and freedom to be her true self. “It is a privilege to choose to embrace your true self and to have so many allies around you so that you can live as you are. I am so free now and I know that is a privilege.”

Martine’s growth is marked by the support system she has in place. With so much still left to navigate, she is grateful that her most cherished relationships (those with her close family but also all the dear friends supporting her in the transitioning process) are there to uphold and celebrate the woman she has become. “There are still instances of dysphoria that I’m working through, like the word ‘dad’ for example, but we are all finding the balance together, something that fits for all of us and fulfills all of our needs.” With this go-with-the-flow mentality, Martine lives in the moment, revering each experience as an opportunity to be who she is, and relish in the excitement of it all. “It’s incredible really, I almost feel guilty for how happy I am!”