Chasing Freedom

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photos by Jen Fellegi

Jean-Paul Sartre once claimed that consciousness is freedom. What he meant is that as conscious beings we have the freedom to choose; choose how we emote, react, think, feel, move. So does that mean that being conscious is being aware that you are free? Or, is it being able to navigate this life with full acceptance of your choices and what they manifest that makes us free? In complementary form, Stephen Hawking said somewhere that the universe is made up of space, energy and mass, and that the freedom of the individual lies in being able to navigate the expansiveness of these three elements. If we can live free from confining labels, guilt and shame, and constraint, then then we’ve got space, energy, and mass under our thumb. I think about it often, the whole idea of freedom, destiny, choice, happiness… the list goes on. Are we free? How do we feel freedom? Is freedom negotiable? Without equating my ruminations to the level of Sartre or Hawking, I think freedom is evinced when you live your life aligned with your true passion or purpose, despite social constraints, despite conventions, despite limiting constructs and beliefs. Reaching toward a life that bloats you with genuine happiness and being conscious of and grateful for the choices you are capable of exercising—that’s freedom. One thing we know for certain on this earth is that we have finite days to live the life we have, when I sat down to chat with Marie-Philippe Jean, a lot of what lives right below the surface of my mind’s eye floated upward. Marie-Philippe lives with conviction that life is more than just being an autonomous and contributing member of society, it’s about exploration both inward and outward, it’s about love both platonic and romantic, and it’s about freedom in every shape and form. It’s not about living in memory or anticipation, it’s about living experiences; living in the now. With that thought, she chooses to make every day count.

Born in the small town of Matane, Marie-Philippe (also known as Philou) moved at age 6 to Rivère-de-Loup where she spent most of her childhood and teenage life. Being an only child informed Marie-Philippe’s upbringing as it fostered her creative side—hence the very close imaginary friends she would often summon—as well as her diligent work ethic to perform her best and make her parents proud of their one and only offspring. “My parents never put pressure on me to succeed, but I felt the pressure, probably from myself,” Marie-Philippe explains. “I know they always just wanted me to be happy, but I guess unconsciously I didn’t want to disappoint them.” Seeing that discipline, rigour, and intense resilience are equal parts of what makes up Marie-Philippe’s constitution, she took to school and the skating rink with intensive work ethic despite her tender age. “I would be on the ice for training at 5am for three hours and then go to school. Then do another few hours after school. It was intense.” Perfecting her perfectionism, Marie-Philippe suppressed much of her emotions, but by not facing her feelings head on, they transformed into various forms of self-control, namely emotional eating. A coping mechanism we all know too well, controlling her food intake proved to have conflicting results. “I would get really thin because I wasn’t eating, and people would tell me I looked really good, so I felt encouraged. Then I would gain a lot of weight and people were concerned that I was yo-yoing,” she explains. “I knew what I was doing, I recognized my patterns, but I couldn’t stop myself.” When Marie-Philippe decided to up and leave her small town and make the leap for the nearest big city, she had her final bout with fluctuating weight: “I didn’t know it then, but I realize now that I ate to protect myself. I was more scared than I let myself feel at the time.” With perfect hindsight, Marie-Philippe knows now that her younger self was simply trying hard to be strong so she could handle rigorous training hours, moving out on her own, or whatever else life would throw at her, but her emotions had to collect somewhere, and they found solace in food.

Marie-Philippe was only 17 when she moved to Montreal to pursue a career in communications and television. Breaking from her nest was her first exercise in full splendor of freedom: within merely days of moving, she had a new social network, she started a new academic career in line with her passion, and slowly, her dysfunctional relationship with food began to wean as she found an exercise regime she loved and started making healthy food choices. It was a long process, but Marie-Philippe had found a way to reconnect to her emotions and begin healing. She started a fitness and wellness blog, became a fitness instructor, as well as an active brand ambassador. One source of freedom she tapped into most recently is finding joy in play, something that she hadn’t felt in her teenage years. “I never partied as a teenager, I was always so busy with skating and school,” she explains. “I’m 30 now, and I’m still learning to play more. My parents even took me to Disney World for my thirtieth birthday because I just wanted to reclaim that childish sense of play and freedom.” What better place to run free than the world’s largest playground!?

Currently working as a freelance story creator and branding consultant, Marie-Philippe has redefined the whole work-play balance. “I make odd choices that aren’t so linear, but I’m someone who likes to shake things up. I’m discovering myself and always exploring, but in the process, I’m also working,” No longer giving into the external pressures to succeed in a conventional manner, Marie-Philippe has created a life whereby play is of equal importance to work. “I went to Australia for 2 months simply for pleasure. It was hard not to be productive or start a new project. At the beginning I felt so useless and powerless, but I found peace. I stopped thinking about what I should do and started to immerse myself in the true feeling of freedom,” she says. “That is what success means to me. Being able to take 2 months off and still know that I can take care of myself and that my work is there for me when I get back.” Always challenging herself to think up clever new ideas, Marie-Philippe’s free spirit is a culmination of her experiences compounded by the creative little girl that conjured up a few imaginary friends whenever the real world didn’t offer her what she knew she needed.

Trying to fit into prescriptions of what society deems important in order to arrive at an ultimate state of happiness, Marie-Philippe has sifted through the constructs that never belonged to her and has emerged a woman. She has found her own meaning to happiness and in doing so, her freedom. It was disorienting, but in the end, she recalibrated. She made choices, acted on pure intention, and today, she exercises her conscious freedom in her dynamic, transient world of perpetual play. “I like to explore all facets of myself. When I can finally reach a place that feels completely safe to be who I am, that’s when I’ll be totally free. I choose to use these moments and lessons by giving back to women and teenagers through writing workshops. By giving talks and coaching, I can spread my love and hopefully create a positive impact.” So without a conventional box to fit in, without people telling her how she ought to be, and without anything, physical or other obstructing her path, is Marie-Philippe living in full consciousness of her freedom? I think so, Philou.