The Clay that Shapes Her

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photos by Jen Fellegi

One of my favourite writers of all time, Jorge Luis Borges once said: “All that happens to us, including our humiliations, our misfortunes, our embarrassments, all is given to us as raw material, as clay, so that we may shape our art.” Bridging two thoughts from this quote, I am reminded of moments in my life that I felt happened to me, as opposed to those moments that I believe I made happen or that I actively chose participate in. Those moments that I fell into or that took me over are punctuated experiences that I resisted internalizing, perhaps because I feared the impact it might have on my character or perhaps because I rejected the notion that any external force could have such a profound impact on my identity. Try as I might to withstand its integration into my being, impact shows up, shape is affected, and whether we like it or not, everything—from our environment and company we keep to senses and experiences we’ve had—are a part of us. Every moment is the clay with which we may shape our art, as Borges explains. Sitting with Suyin, these thoughts floated to the surface. She wove through her narrative this notion of choice. It was beautiful really to hear her speak of hardship and life challenges with such openness. Choice, she explained, is more than how you show up or take part; it’s more than owning it, living it and sitting with it. Choice is a cascade of tiny moments that are presented daily, and it our ultimate freedom to exercise the choice of perspective and impact. If reflected upon with consciousness and self-awareness, the only thing that can ever truly come of any experience—good or bad—is a stronger more resilient self.

At the ripe and tender age of 7 years old, Suyin was faced with a major life change. She was forced to either grow up and snap to or potentially fall apart. Perhaps it is her inherent character to put forth strength or perhaps she was able to assess the situation and play the role that was obliged, but Suyin became her brother’s protector and caregiver, putting the needs of the moment above her own. “My father became an alcoholic,” Suyin describes. “He was very sick for 6 years. My mother had to tend to him, take care of putting him in and out of rehab, and it was all just too much. So, I moved my brother’s crib into my room and would wake up with him in the night to feed him, change him and put him back to bed.” Describing the time as quite virulent, Suyin goes on to explain that her father was a tender who raised her until he began to drink. “It was hard for me to accept that he was violent or could hurt us, because he was a when he wasn’t drunk, he was such a gentle man. I guess I made excuses for him. The truth is, he couldn’t even comprehend that he had turned the house upside down or that he had hurt us. He would wake up in the morning and see the state of the house and he couldn’t understand that he had done that. He eventually realized how sick he was and he got the help he needed.” Hand in hand with her father’s recovery journey was Suyin’s entry into the Al-Anon support group for children of alcoholics. “At 13, I went into the program and it taught me so much about myself. I learned how to express myself and communicate my feelings. I learned to sit with the sadness and allow it to move through me. I was taught how to celebrate the little joys, because one day without a drink was a victory. I learned to acknowledge my pain and I also learned to wallow in self-pity.” Choosing to transform these profoundly volatile and hard years into a bedrock of resilience, Suyin has been on a lifelong path of self-acceptance and self-love ever since.

Reconciling her father’s past, the tension with Suyin’s mother began to surface. “I had done the work and had forgiven my father, but my mother was angry and it was harder for her to move on. I watched her rebuild her life and I understand how difficult her situation must’ve been. Her family blamed her for my dad’s faults. In Chinese culture, a woman takes care of her man, and I guess she didn’t hold up her end of the bargain. To make matters worse, they got divorced and you just don’t do that.” Suyin continued, “It was hard to live with my mom after the divorce. She was a tiger mom in a lot of ways, and our differences got the better of us at the time. So at 16 I moved in with my dad, but ultimately, I moved out on my own at 18. I’ve been paying my way and taking care of myself for a long time. I put myself through school, I had 3 jobs round the clock, and although I worked the bar and club scene, I never let the party get the best of me,” Suyin explains. It was once she started dancing with the Alouettes that Suyin was discovered for her dance talent. Asked to audition for a casino musical, she was in her early 20s when her 12-year dance career began. “I went all over the world and performed everywhere. It was an intense decade, and eventually I just wanted to find home.” Returning home, Suyin picked up where she left off prior to dance: early childhood education. “I allowed my innate passion for children to guide me in my career choice and I pursued a home daycare. I had a successful private daycare for 8 years and I loved it. Although my love for children did not subside, the administration part of it did and I felt the calling for a new profession.” 

Currently working as a barre teacher at B.Cycle and professional organizer (Suyin is actually diploma-ed in Professional Organization!), she has found a way to fuse her passions for dance and organizing together and finds extreme fulfillment in her work life. Although she tried tirelessly to have her own children (5 unsuccessful rounds of IVF), Suyin focuses on the what she does have and what may come. “I am so fortunate to have the capacity to love all the children of the world. You know, some people don’t love kids until they have their own. I love all kids. My friend’s kids, the kids I “mothered” in daycare, and maybe one day I will have the chance to have children, either by adoption, surrogacy, or maybe even try again to get pregnant. Who knows.”

Putting things in perspective, Suyin shows how she moulds her clay to shape her being and not the other way around. “Three years ago my whole life was staring me in the eye. Everything changed. With deep thought and a lot of soul searching and I am grateful for my resilience. A lot of people would live through what I lived through – an alcoholic father, trying to have a baby, my relationship ending, my father passing – I mean these were major hardships and challenges in my life, but they were all moments that allowed for deeper soul searching and I am so fortunate to have been able to overcome every struggle and come out stronger. I never gave up on myself and I never felt the urge to. I have a strong intuition that I listen to and I let guide me. I choose me and I choose happiness. I can say that I am happier now than ever before.”