The Power of Choice
Written by Alecs Kakon
Photos by Jen Fellegi
Is it possible to live a sun-kissed life? to marry your soulmate? to feel truly happy? These are questions I’ve contemplated in abundance; I’ve explored the possibilities of this type of life and have indubitably come up with one answer: no. Wait, I rescind. Yes, but only fleetingly until a storm comes and washes it all away. Super dramatic, I know, but it’s just that life is so complicated and painful and sometimes horribly ironic, like in the-joke’s-on-you kind of way, that I just feel it’s hard to come up for air and really feel that cool breeze on my cheeks and think, ‘yes, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.’ I practice gratitude and I am certainly thankful for what life has given me, but I’ve never experienced a sustained happiness that weaves the moments of my life together; a joy that roots deep in my soul. While talking to Yaffa, I think it all finally hit me – it isn’t the things that happen in your life that make you happy. It isn’t a perfectly flawless life, or a blissful marriage that provides the perfect recipe for smiles and laughter. Nope. She taught me that it’s all about choices.
Yaffa has long-since started on a path of self-discovery. At a young age, although she admits she felt socially anxious and insecure at times, she was also quite cognizant of the fact that she had unconditional love, intimate friendships and was never at a lack of support. Her mother, a single working mom, gave her a sense of security in knowing that no matter what she did, she could always come home. “That kind of unconditional love gave me a lot of power and confidence,” Yaffa explains. I don’t think it was because Yaffa had such a perfect childhood, problem-free, that she is able to enjoy her happiness without ever having experienced pain. No, instead I think it is precisely because she was taught how to work through the pain, extract the good and understand that this too shall pass, that she was, and is unwaveringly able to move on, away from painful experiences, and feel true happiness.
Observing a strong parallel between her relationship with her mother and her relationship with her husband, Yaffa explains that she feels wholeheartedly and unfalteringly supported in every way. She is given boundless freedom to be and become, which ultimately enables and drives her happiness. Negative situations, hard times, and tense moments come up, but with the solid base they have formed, she is able to work through those fleeting feelings and extract the growth they provide. I started to understand that it isn’t because her marriage is necessarily better than anyone else’s or that their love is deeper (which it very well may be), but rather, her upbringing is a source of security for her; her formative years onward act as a bedrock for her, endowing her with the physical and emotional strength needed to acknowledge her worth, and let it shine. So come what may, because she can is equipped to handle it.
Feeling valued and having a sense of self-worth is not something to be taken for granted. Although everyone has their own inherent value, not all of us can tap into it, articulate it, and feel confident enough to let it speak for itself. In her mid-to-late 20s, Yaffa battled with an onslaught of bad experiences that could have had a detrimental impact on her life. “I lost my job, my dad passed away, I was in a terrible relationship, and I was depressed. Everything went bad,” Yaffa explains. “I was sick of myself and sick of my life.” It was a crucial time for her as it could have signalled the beginning of a down spiral. However, pulling from a childhood lesson that everything passes, Yaffa realized that things didn’t have to be the way they were. Circumstance didn’t have to dictate her emotional state. She had more control than she had afforded herself and it didn’t take long for her to tap back into that well of knowledge. Diving deep within herself to get in touch with what makes her who she is, Yaffa continues in saying that “heaviness isn’t who I am, my constitution is happy.”
So that’s the trick I guess. A happy constitution… where can I buy one of those!? The truth of the matter is that although we all have things in our lives that can be experienced as good, bad, or ugly, it’s not the experience itself, but rather our perception of said experience that has the greatest impact. Grateful for her life, her fortunate upbringing, Yaffa knows that hers has been one of great privileged, but I think what really stands out as the defining advantage was that she is aware that she always has choices, and if she can’t control what happens in her life, then at the very least, she can control how she internalizes it and how she allows it to affect her. Yaffa knows all too well that we set goals, but don’t always reach them; we try our best, but don’t always succeed. However, the effects of these “failures” is not in their non-achievement, but rather staying in that moment of defeat. It all comes down to choices. “I don’t know where I’ll go next, but I know my worth and I know what I contribute to the world. That is very powerful,” Yaffa says. Choosing to see the light, being on an active pursuit of happiness, and feeling grateful for every opportunity, I guess we can kiss our own life with some sunshine if we so choose.
