A Moral Compass
Written by Alecs Kakon
*There are no photos for this profile as the person in question did not want the exposure that would come with the sharing of her story. In addition, her name has been changed for the purposes of this profile.
We are an evolved species, so they say. But what does that mean? Equipped with the potential to reflect upon our lives and thoughts, humans, if left untainted by social conventions and left to explore their senses, are sentient beings capable of a range of emotions. A bountiful resource that can deepen the soul, human emotion has the power to bring us joy, anguish, love, pain, and everything in between. Some are overcome with emotion and choose—or rather, for lack of choice—to take them at face value. While others use their feelings as a springboard for further introspection and self-reflection. But, what tools are we given on this deep dive so we can safely swim rather than drown in a sea of overwhelming emotion? Somewhat conditioned by society on how to identify and label our emotions, we are not formally taught how to navigate them and make sense of it all. For some, family is a great starting point should there be a platform for open communication, but for most, the nuclear family is not always an option. So, where are we meant to learn about ourselves and all glory of our every emotion? Are these phenomena, such as love and happiness, destined to remain dark mysteries to most of us? Sitting down with Poppy, we discussed how the events in her life have impacted her way of behaving in the world, and how, with her wide range of obscure of emotions she is trying to expand her vocabulary to make negotiate all the feels.
Born in 1997 in the Philippines in the small town of Sangil, Bacarra, Poppy was only about seven years old when her mother moved to Montreal to pave way for a better opportunity for her children, leaving her and her bother to live with their grandparents. A cultural norm in the Philippines, Poppy was amongst the majority of children who lived with relatives due to parents emigrating West for caregiving jobs that provided the hopes of financial stability for their families back home. Aware that her parents were sacrificing their lives for her security and future, Poppy remembers a happy upbringing complete with memories of freedom, comfort and love. “I remember after it would rain, my grandfather and I would bring buckets up the mountain and look for mushrooms. We’d fill up our buckets and go home to make soup or whatever. Those moments when I was younger are some of the best memories of my life. I never felt happier than when I was a kid on the farm, it was so serene.”
Poppy was only 8 years old when she was confronted with her first experience of dealing with grown-up matters. “I was such a daddy’s girl, but I guess I didn’t know what it was like to really live with him, because up until then I hadn’t. One day, I saw an 11-digit number on his phone that I didn’t recognize and a message popped up that said ‘I miss you and love you.’ My mom was already in Canada and so I knew it wasn’t her,” Poppy describes. “I memorized the number and wrote it over and over again until I filled up the page of a notebook. I didn’t want to forget the number. Until this day I don’t know why I did that, but I had a sense that something was wrong.” Later revealing to her grandmother what she had read, Poppy could tell from the reactions of all parties that her dad had cheated on her mother. “I started to grow distant from my dad. I know the cheating bothered me, but the lies were the worst part.” Still working out the kinks of how this earthquake continues to have aftershocks in her perception of love to this day, Poppy has yet to find stable ground when it comes to matters of romance. “I’ve never been in love. Actually, whenever people want too much from me, or try to get too intimate, like share their feelings or cry in front of me, I get uncomfortable. I don’t know why I’m like that, if it’s a cultural thing, or maybe I was more affected by what my dad did to my mom than I thought, but I’ve never been able to open up emotionally. I don’t know how to be in that way. Maybe I’m emotionally stunted, I don’t know.” Unbeknownst to Poppy, that sharp awareness is her capacity to understand herself more than she realizes; it is her moral compass. If practiced, her intuition can be parlayed into the beginnings of her journey inward where release and growth can truly take place. Feeling injustice in the world, that “everybody has something bad they need to hide, even if they are all righteous on the outside,” is the catalyst that can turn Poppy into a woman who fights for what’s right leading her to her own emotional liberation.
Knowing with certainty that her happiness today is derived from living a fulfilled and secure life, she is grateful that she can give back to her family and see those around her be happy. Poppy is thankful for her intellect gift and hopes that it will help break cultural stereotypes she feels Filipino immigrants have. “Too many Filipinos don’t graduate high school or go to university. I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that we aren’t educated. My father was a marine and electrical engineer in Saudi. When we came here he worked at factories and was a technician. I saw a man with an elite profession fall into positions that were below his intellect. My mother also had an esteemed profession as an emergency nurse back home, but when she arrived here she was placed as a caregiver and never worked as a nurse again. In our world, intelligence is the only equalizing factor. You can come from a poor place or the richest, but the only way to get anywhere is with your intelligence.” With a clear path on how to reach her desired profession and find financial security, Poppy wants to break from the ordinary and pay homage to all those who have sacrificed for her and her freedom by achieving extraordinary success.
When her father cheated on her mother, the quiet haranguing of betrayal lingered in Poppy’s heart, disavowing and destabilizing her sense of moral right and innate wrong. Healing past wounds, making sense of her experience as a child, and growing into a mature individual, Poppy’s retrospective highway expands as her consciousness illuminates the road behind her. Part and parcel with our adult playground comes the growing awareness that unpacking our past helps us revisit moments that our younger selves were not quite ready to understand. Helping us evolve into more open beings, our hearts, minds, and bodies are more inclined to accept new experiences as just that, new, rather than iterations of an unending past.
