Being in Relation

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photos by Jen Fellegi

Good solid friendships are important. We all know that. From a young age I remember my mother always telling me, “if you have one good friend, that’s all that matters.” Contrast that with the fact that my father was always surrounded by 35 of his closest friends and family, and then you’ll understand why this idea of friendship and its intricate dynamics was always so fascinating to me. I never quite knew if I was doing it right, you know what I mean? The truth is, although I always had friends, they did keep changing. I always had one great friend at every point in my life; not always the same one, but depending on the phase or the moment, a closer bond would form with various different people. I look around sometimes at people who have childhood friends still so present in their lives and it makes me think why things look so different from where I sit. Friends help you understand yourself, they gauge you and act as place markers in a way – at least for me; some mark my growth, others my sameness. Either way, friends have great reflective power as they show you who you are, and they help you relate to others as well as to yourself. I’ve come to understand how although my friends changed often, each person has a lasting impact on the fabric of my being. Each friend taught me more about myself and hopefully, I boomeranged that gift right back. After a short talk with Vienna, my mind expanded in that I was able to look back at what I usually call an awkward childhood when I think in terms of my social life. I’ve revisited it and with her insight I’ve repackaged it as a bountiful collection of valuable and impactful friendships. She taught me that it’s ok to let go; recuse yourself from being in relation and simply being. Period.

Born in Montreal, Vienna was raised in New Haven, Connecticut and Granby, Quebec. As a young free spirit, Vienna spent a lot of time traveling the world over, which led her to take up residence in many foreign places, including, but not limited to, Mexico, Spain, Greece, Arkansas, and more. Having experienced so many homesteads, she recalls one specific memory that had a significant impact on her life’s trajectory and capacity for self-assertion. At the young age of 14, Vienna was sent on a trip to a town just outside of Barcelona, where she was meant to spend 2 months with her step-family—a family she knew little about—yet was excited to share a summer with. Times were different a little over 20 years ago in terms of travel and this is something we take for granted when we revisit our old memories: how sparse communication was, how inaccessible general information about a city or flight or other was limited to books, phone calls where plans were committed to, and, in this case, a piece of paper her mother sent her off with. A plane ticket and address in Spain in hand, Vienna crossed the airport threshold over into the shuttle to the plane that would mark the beginning of her journey. Her journey was both an adventure of getting to know the people and places around her as well as an inward, reflective journey punctuated with moments of resilience and agency. Having grown up in a bohemian household, where her autonomy and independence were perhaps taken as just the way things are, Vienna quickly saw that there were different modes of being and the family that was hosting her allowed her the insight of realizing that the self-efficacy she had was a unique value that most 14-year-old girls don’t have. Feeling free and confident, the moment she stepped onto the shuttle, she quickly understood that it was her own internal compass that would guide her, unmitigated by another being. She knew who she was, she felt convicted, self-assured, and free.

Thinking about how this memory plays a role in her life today, Vienna walked me through a whole series of interesting characters who played vital roles in making the woman who sat before me. From one of her oldest friendships, she learned that she was attracted to the overlooked-social-outcast in her kindergarten class. Immediately drawn to her nymph-like stature, Vienna saw endless possibilities for a deep friendship. “I realized my attraction was to her uniqueness and diversity. I intentionally chose her to be her friend,” Vienna remembers. Feeling she acted with a sense of deliberation, Vienna explains that every friendship has an impact on her, or better yet, the collection of friendships she’s had have had great impact on her sense of self-awareness.

Cultivating harmonious, equal, and safe friendships shows how Vienna understands that everyone brings something unique to the table, and so to abandon power dynamics and feelings of internal sequestering, she affords herself the benefit of oscillating between friends and self, friend and friend, groups and communities, so she can always feel there is a space for her. Reflecting on great friendships, Vienna notes that there is one friendship she holds dear today, but that wasn’t always the case. The insecure feelings Vienna felt in her friendships with an old roommate, divulged how her close connections with friends can sometimes feel threatening to her character. “We lived together in college and the dynamic shifted. I gave her so much power and always felt judged,” Vienna claims. This is a dynamic that Vienna explains played out many times in her life. But after much self-examination, she observed her active role in playing the victim and how she allowed her friend to hold power over her in their friendship.  She has maintained a close friendship with that former-roommate because she was able to renovate the inner workings of their friendship.

Interestingly, Vienna drew from many important relationships she has had in her life, both good and perhaps not so good, in order to explain who she is today. Touching on the importance of being nurturing, kind, and accepting, Vienna values each one of her relationships and holds all of her friends in high regard. She has meaningful connections and they fuel her to recognize how great her friends are and how great she is as a friend. I pondered why she led with the story about crossing the threshold over into the shuttle to Spain, and I can’t help but think that interpersonal dynamics are of course key to understanding yourself, but, being in touch with who you are, that evolving person growing inside of you, is equally as important. “I have a natural inclination to reach out, I need external feedback,” Vienna explains. “I’m trying to tap into the internal, see what’s going on inside of me first, before I reach out.” Presently standing at a figurative threshold between her intra- and inter-personal relationships, that memory of being 14 again, feeling free, self-aware, and completely unobstructed, has come flooding back at, what I would say is, the perfect time.