An Ode to Motherhood

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photos by Jen Fellegi

How do we teach emotional skills? The immaterial system that regulates this machine of ours;   governs our ability to choose, understand our feelings, relate to others, identify the self and our sense of subjectivity, interact and behave, the list goes on. Our emotions, and ability to understand and regulate them, are not innate nor inherited, but rather they are more often than not explicitly taught as well as modelled and mimicked. I’ve learned that the source of understanding the self is rooted in the plethora of emotions we have throughout the day, sometimes conflicting, at times fragmentary and on occasion larger than we can handle. But, despite the immensity of the emotional system we house, we can benefit from healthier relationships with ourselves and others, if we spend time harnessing our emotional skills. I guess today, this all sounds so new age and common, but being mindful and aware were not as ubiquitous a way of life back in the day. Sitting down with Nicole we discussed what she learned from her mother and the role she played in her life and the lives of so many. We talked about how her mother expanded the notion of the nuclear family, and provided Nicole with a well-rounded example of emotional fortitude and resilience—which has ultimately allowed her to call on her positive constitution, inner strength and determination—all of which allows her to harness the perspective she carries with her each and every day.

Born in Nova Scotia, Nicole was only 2 years old when she was taken from her biological mother and put into the foster-care system. At 5, a couple in Montreal adopted her and so was the beginning of her family life. At the time of childhood, Nicole’s body had information that her mind hadn’t yet had access to. It would only be later, when everything came rushing to the fore—perhaps triggered by an acute incident or perhaps this chronic undertone that would finally implode—either way, there she was, confronted with her past. “A few years ago, I felt I was cracking at the seams. I had to think about whether this part of my life gave me issues or if it was just part of my past. But things were beginning to surface in me and I didn’t know where they were coming from. I had vivid memories of the years I spent in foster care – these horrible smells, a memory from this one woman’s house, I recall it smelled like mothballs. To this day, the smell of mothballs triggers me.” It wasn’t just these visceral moments that would continue to catapult her into her past, it was also this sense of survivorship that Nicole carried with her. “I was a warrior from a young age. I remember thinking as a small child that if I would just scream loud enough, someone would come help me. I remember thinking I just need to scream with every fibre of my being to get out of that bad environment.” Well, eventually someone heard her, because at the age of 5, Nicole was adopted by the parents who would go on to raise her into adulthood.

Despite being adopted, Nicole inadvertently started to physically resemble her mother. “I was my mother’s miracle child. She couldn’t have children. I was this super tall black woman and she was this 5 foot nothing Caucasian woman, and yet I feel like we grew to look alike,” Nicole smiles. “My mother’s mission in life was to help children. She was the most resilient woman on the planet. I was the only person she adopted, but she raised about 57 people.” Thinking about just how much the canvas of her past shaped her, Nicole reflects on the multi-racial home she was raised in, despite the homogenous neighbourhood. “Forty years ago, the government didn’t have services like they do today. My mom dedicated her life to raising kids, who incidentally, were black by majority. She totally changed the landscape of our neighbourhood. My mom couldn’t bear to see a child suffer, so regardless of their circumstance, she would take them in, provide them with food, education, clothes, and mostly, love. She was even awarded a plaque from the then-prime minister of Canada for her contribution in helping the youth of Canada; her purpose was bigger than her, and it was recognized.”

With a constant rotation of kids coming through her house, Nicole felt a plethora of feelings, some high, some low. “I would get close to a kid and then they would leave. At one point, I thought to myself, ‘someone always comes to get them, how come no one is coming to get me?’ But, I felt it then and I understand it now: I was always with my family, and what my mother was doing was nothing short of heroic.” With a mother who modelled strength and determination, Nicole was endowed with a sense of purpose bigger than the mundane: “For the longest time growing up, the secret of my soul was this goal to foster 12 children. However, as I’ve grown, my goal has shifted into figuring out how I can best continue my mother’s legacy by sharing our story. It’s another way I chose to honour a woman who will always be a hero to me and so many others.”

When Nicole’s mom passed away at 86 years old, Nicole was left with both her legacy and a life’s worth of memories. “We had such a strong connection. When she passed I put a whole year on hold to mourn. I had all these unresolved issues that started showing up, all of which I have started to extract lessons from.” Every pocket of Nicole’s life brought significant relationships and momentous experiences, each testing her strength and developing her character. “I pursued a career in acting, modelling, journalism. I had an 11-year stint at CTV hosting Passion for Fashion, I piloted shows, and I wrote and developed my own show called City Lights. I’ve done so much in my life, but at around 38, I left it all behind to move to NYC. I became a student again. I loved it, but I also cried every day for 2 years. I finished the conservatory, but ultimately, I couldn’t get a Visa, so I returned, pride in hand, because I had to start from the bottom all over again.” Knowing full well how impossible it is to penetrate those reporting jobs, Nicole attempt to pry her way back in. She succeeded, but wasn’t feeling the fulfillment she thought she would. “There have been a lot of twists and turns; not many people would’ve been able to overcome what I have lived through. But, I summon my mother’s strength, and I carry all of my cracks with me. I know what being loved can do for a person, I feel it in my heart when I remember my mother. She taught me how to love and be loved. Simply saying that out loud brings a smile to my face. She was a gift brought to my life, and my awareness of that is now my greatest strength. I was created in her image, that makes me happy.”

Chipping away at the emotional debris left behind from childhood all the way well into her turbulent 20s, even rockier 30s all the way until she would set forth to find her biological family to learn the truth of where she came from, Nicole’s life story is replete with unimaginable waves. However, every single one of those waves added to the depth of her waters making each and every experience indispensable in the making of Nicole. “Given my age, I’m at peace with the fact that I’ll probably never birth my own children, I feel like that won’t happen, but adoption is a possibility, and as my mother’s only child, maybe I’ll carry on her legacy. You never know, right?”