Inner Balance

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photos by Jen Fellegi

I place a lot of value on professional success. I believe that hard work and big ambitions are vital to a full life. I can take a few stabs at guessing where that opinion comes from (a deep-rooted fear of ineptitude perhaps?), and I do think about this a lot lately as I slowly seep into my late 30s and take inventory of what I’ve done and what’s still left to do. I have barely knocked anything off my bucket list with respect to my professional goals, but I can say that as of late I’m sitting pretty academically, and of course, family-wise, I’m grateful that the dart has hit its target. One day, I’ll achieve my career goals; I know I’ll get there, and then what? Well, there are those who have crossed items off their life’s to-do list and have had the chance to celebrate their triumphs, and when that happens, it would seem to me that goals begin to shift. As young adults, and even as middle-aged adults, our initial life aspirations are all set outside the self: what we want to achieve or what we hope life will give us. But, once those wishes are fulfilled, the types of plans we set out to attain take a ninety-degree turn from outside to inside (although, I’ve noticed Gen Zers have caught onto this trend earlier in their lives). Sitting for a chat with Rachel, a woman who has achieved so much professionally and personally, I noticed that the types of things she is currently working toward focus on self-development rather than external accolades. With profound introspection, Rachel now sits in moments of deep reflection as she has taken a step into her inner world to reveal that vulnerability, authenticity, and balance are her newest lofty goals.

Rachel is an Associate Professor of Modern Indian History at Concordia University. She is a mother of young twin boys. She is an academic and a scholar. She is a partner. She is a friend. She is all of these roles on any given day, and as she fulfills her daily duties, Rachel has cultivated a life for herself that centres on finding balance. Managing a schedule and finding time for all aspects of her life is but one of the definitions of balance; the other is managing the fleeting moments of real-life experiences and finding connection so as to infuse meaning into her personal life. Balancing daily schedules and having a balanced state-of-mind, two very different things. When an obstacle in life feels utterly insurmountable, it’s important to find perspective. When you feel isolated or alone, it helps to know that from tension comes growth. Shedding the self-consciousness and understanding that “we are all just human together,” is one way Rachel extracts purpose and balances all of the floating spheres of her life. Rachel recalls a moment in her life when she was trying to finish her Phd dissertation. Hustling through a busy coffee line up, she paused to notice the sanitation worker as he spontaneously began a communal sing-along to Hey Jude. “It’s a memory I think of a lot. It was just an instant of total connection and it was such a special moment.” By finding harmony from this event and linking past memories with current needs, Rachel is constantly balancing the scales of time—finding parallels and establishing connections—creating an equilibrium and sense of stability so that nothing will blindly pass her by. Living with intention and being present: a mindful balance that we can all strive to achieve.    

Trying at this point in her in life to lead with compassion and make every situation as human as possible is how Rachel continues to push herself. “Being vulnerable all the time, when appropriate of course, is what I’m currently working on,” she explains. By challenging herself to be vulnerable and learning how to show up for herself, Rachel shared that although being authentic places her in a space of potential hurt, she has learned that it’s more valuable to experience that deep intimacy than to miss out on possible real connections. Used to bending to fit the image others had of her, she has had the transformative realization that fitting into someone else’s good graces is not her place of truth. Rather than be happy in a relationship hinged on inauthenticity, “I am practicing radical self-acceptance.” And with that comes the pivotal thought that it’s ok if not everyone likes her or if someone is disappointed with her. Rather than seek acceptance from those around her, Rachel is choosing to accept herself. Making every situation that much more authentic, her biggest fear is no longer whether she will disappoint those around her, but rather how to manage feelings of disappointment. “I’m learning how to sit in sadness and let myself go to that place,” she explains. “I trust now that I’ll come up the other side.” Coping with hurt is a natural part of being vulnerable, and in the spirit of balance, it’s vital to see that although pain can come from being open, so can beauty. “I’m just going for a baseline neutral,” Rachel laughed.

Pushing herself to new endeavours, perhaps even a career change, Rachel will not stagnate; not in her professional life nor in her state of mind. When I asked her if she was happy, she quickly responded that “happiness isn’t about a feeling, it’s about contentment. It’s about perspective,” she explained. “Feeling ecstatic can fade, but contentment is the balance of knowing what you have and enjoying the experience of it. The same can be said of sadness and grief, because if you can learn to feel it, sit in it, but then let it go, then you might feel all of the extremes, but you’ll always find your way back to the middle.” A life made big through the world of her children, a career anchored on the quest for authenticity, a love made manifest through multiple friendships and the intimacy of partnership, and a shift in perspective, these present as the only viable ways to achieve a constant becoming. Rachel taught me that the concrete life goals I hold in such high esteem will all eventually get checked off, perseverance will surely get me there, but developing my person, my depth, my capacity to let people in and be vulnerable, will balance my inner world so that I can recognize my achievements and enjoy them.