Healing Her Mind
By Alecs Kakon
Photos by Jen Fellegi
The events of our past, experiences both good and bad, shape the people we become and leave an imprint on the map of our bodies, Impacting our perception, behaviour and beliefs, our past, especially the childhood years, are the Möbius Strip of time; our bodies and minds the manifestation of tethered matter, rebounding forward and back. It’s virtually impossible to be completely free of words that once stung us, events we’ve witnessed, traumas that shook us, and moments that have changed us. For so many of us, myself included, events that took place in the past, events experienced by a child, were absorbed into the fabric of my being, left to be mediated by the mind and body of a 10 year old. Unskilled in the art of creating meaning at that age, it is our parents, guardians, teachers, and so on, who help unpack events so as to transform even the worst of experiences into moments of purpose and reflection. Feeling overwhelmed with sensations bigger than our known world, Tamara’s spirituality and connection to herself offered a mosaic of significance to her life that as a child presented as darkness, but as a grown woman offers light. With illuminating consciousness, Tamara and I sat down to discuss her isolating past, finding her purpose, and how she continues to remove barriers that impede her from living her truth.
Qualifying her younger years with words such as dark and lonely, Tamara’s childhood was the site of a lot of bullying and rejection. Keeping to herself and finding solace in her isolation, the once-extroverted Tamara was quickly rendered introverted as the insistent mockery and criticism naturally took its toll. “I felt so oppressed. I was always sad,” Tamara describes. “At home, I would walk into a room and my sisters would leave and go upstairs, or I would sit on the couch and everyone would switch couches to sit further from me. I didn’t understand why it was happening, but the message came through loud and clear.” Tamara had a strong connection to her spirituality, which incidentally would be what ultimately kept her alive. However, as a young child, it was the source of much of her pain. “I heard voices, saw visions, and had dreams about people. I would tell them about it and they would call me a witch or weird. It hurt a lot,” she explains. She was only 11 years old when she felt her life was no longer worth living. Not feeling loved or worthy of love wrenched at her insides, and so she decided to end the pain and commit suicide. “I planned to hang myself, but I remember thinking I had to look for the signs. If someone walked in, then that was a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it. Everything was ready and I was about to go through with it, but someone walked in.” Tamara’s life was spared, but the darkness persisted. “There is good energy and bad energy, and I think because I felt such darkness, I attracted a bad energy. I would be in the metro and the voices would tell me to jump. But, I learned not to listen. Eventually, with steady discernment and a lot of self-healing, I dispelled the negativity.”
Always in tune with her higher purpose, Tamara knew that her life’s mission was the heal people. Originally, not understanding the reason for some of the traumatic experiences she had to live through, she now recognizes that she couldn’t control the life she was given, but she could unbind herself from it. “At one time, as a child, I used to sing and dance, I was extroverted. But I shut down because of everything I had gone through. Now, with my daughter, I let a lot of that go. She heals me. I’m getting through the barriers. And that little girl inside of me, the one that is right here, right on the tip of my lips, she wants to sing again.” Tamara explains. “I know I can’t ever go back and change the past. I’ll never be who I was before the pain, before the wounds. But I am working on removing all those barriers that keep me from finding my way forward.” Memory is like a mirage; the moment lost forever, but the sensation lingers. Acting as triggers or limiting beliefs, the past can shackle us. But, we can dismantle the pain and the hold it has over us. We might not be able to rewind, but we can unlearn the past and transform it into a lesson learned.
Spending many years diving inward meditating and healing, Tamara’s repressed past has come to the surface, and with that, she has been able to clear her path from darkness. She has been able to leave the past behind so that she can accomplish what she came here to accomplish with compassion and forgiveness. Under the name Mama Oracle, Tamara is currently working as a spiritual counsellor, doula, and Reiki and energy healer. Manifesting her purpose and reconnecting with her inner child, Tamara has transformed all of her learning and guided healing into helping those around her. Leading with compassion rather than empathy, Tamara explains that she teaches people the skills needed to save themselves. “I give them tools to heal rather than be the healing tool.” The complexity of her consciousness has always guided her, and today, she dedicates her practice to clearing the pain of those who seek her counsel.
Bob Marley once sang “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” These lyrics beckon something inside of me every time they are summoned to mind. Free from our past, free from the narrow perspective that binds us, free from the rope that keeps us tethered to the pain, it is only I who can release those shackles. Something shifted inside of me as listened to Tamara talk about how she expresses such gratitude, relishes in her capacity to love, abounds with forgiveness, feels compassion, and releases toward freedom. Her conscious choice to strengthen her mind—bring her repurposed past with her to create a life of healing—is what allows her align with her purpose and stand in her truth. I turned inward and thought about how although I am no longer defined by my past, I still have work to do to loosen the hold it has on me. I write to untangle the knot that continues to grip at my stomach, and with each story, I shape shift and meaning make. With each story, I walk toward emancipation. That’s how I will find forgiveness and heal my mind.
