Parenting Her Past

Written by Alecs Kakon

Photographs by Jen Fellegi

Maybe it’s a generational thing, maybe it’s a culture gap, maybe it’s just differences between people, but there’s something inherent in the parent-child relationship that creates that push-pull contrast. We learn from our parents, we take the good, we filter out the bad, and we try our hardest to do better. Despite our best efforts, times change, and the cycle repeats. Our kids take the good, filter out the bad and they do even better. It’s an up-cycle and it helps us, as a society, strive for more. Some of us have been imbued with values that have shaped us and our view of the world. Some of us have to work against what we’ve been taught to break limiting beliefs. Even for those who feel a strong connection to their parents’ way of thinking, there are tense moments that shift the potential for alignment. In my family, religion played a big role in the home and in our traditions. Perhaps it was because I had that anti-establishment, rebellious nature, or perhaps it was my strong feminist inclination, but I had a hard time connecting to my religion and by default, much of what was passed down in terms of religious beliefs became a hot topic of debate growing up. On the flip side, there was a strong sense of family togetherness that was a driving force in our home. Nightly dinners, weekly brunches, holidays, birthdays, vacations, spontaneous lunches; we spent and continue to spend a lot of time together, because family is something that was (and still is) intensely valued in our home. As a mom, so much of how I raise my children is a reflection of my upbringing. Together with my husband, we’ve created our own set of values, some based on our respective childhoods, some on our individual interpretations of the world, and still others slightly reactionary to what I may have disliked growing up and want to improve upon. Sitting with Rebecca, she poignantly remarked: “I have a healthy relationship with my ideas and values. But sometimes there’s that little voice in my head that wants to sift through and separate the values that belong to me and those that belong to my parents. It’s a work in progress, but it informs my parenting.” It resonated deeply, that little voice she described, because I think we all have it. But, how much of it do we let filter in? Our discussion led us down a few paths; we discussed the incredible closeness of her family unit, her excitement to explore the world outside her home, and how she’s fused it all together in her journey to self-discovery.

Rebecca was brought up in a traditional household, complete with a hardworking, entrepreneurial dad, a creative, stay-at-home mom, 2 sisters and a brother. Strong boundaries governed the home and as the importance of keeping the family together was top priority. “We were forced to spend a lot of time alone with each other. We actually couldn’t do anything on the weekends because we went out to the cottage together every weekend. It created such a strong family bond and still today we are all so close,” Rebecca says. “But it also put a lot of pressure on us to stay together, just our nuclear family. I see now that so much good came from that, but in the moment, it didn’t necessarily feel that way.” Whether explicit taught or subconsciously absorbed, a strong sense of belonging was established, nourishing Rebecca’s soul and nurturing her self-confidence. “My dad was so loyal and determined. Those attributes are valuable to me and I carry them in my relationships and career. There are parts that felt controlling or at times I felt judgment was at play, but he had a clear vision of what he wanted for us. My mom was a non-conformist, so despite the standards my dad held us to, we always had her as a model. I think that helped a lot in understanding his openness to a bigger world. I think it created a sense of false-freedom within the confinement of the set boundaries.” Rebecca explains. “I think children need room to grow without the strong parental grip. In my own parenting style, I want to make decisions free of judgment, but also with thoughtful intention. Hopefully, we can impart our values and they will stick. When my dad died 6 years ago, it was like a huge security blanket was ripped from under me. There was so much chaos, but we all eventually settled back into each other. Something he did worked, because his values stuck with us all.” Reflecting on her upbringing, there was pause in discerning the acuity necessary to transform theoretical values into applied ones. That’s where the tension lies, I believe.

Always encouraged to think outside the box and figure out her own path in life, Rebecca felt a freedom in her capacity to pursue her own definition of success. “My parents loved new ideas and always supported us,” Rebecca explains. “We had one prerequisite and that was to finish university. Graduating from a bachelor’s degree was such a valuable experience. It taught me great work ethic, and I think learning is a muscle I will always continue to exercise.” Finding the space to freely explore her creativity and expand her mind, Rebecca always sought new experiences either through work, travel, friendships and quite early in life, via the man who would eventually become her husband, “I was so hungry to look outside the family,” Rebecca contends. “The minute I was allowed to explore my identity, I took it to so many different places. I met my husband when I was 18. He showed me so much and introduced me to new sides of Montreal and the whole world at large. He taught me to connect with people based on energy. He opened my soul to so many things. He helped me break out of the shelter of my mould.”

Spending days on end immersed in creative exchanges and sharing ideas beyond the parameters of her life at the time, Rebecca’s world began to grow. “I worked as a waitress at a night club, which was outside of what my parents had in mind for me, but it was a huge stepping stone in my life, because it taught me first-hand about the service industry, which I know has played an integral part in my growth.” In 2004, Rebecca parlayed her work experience, and together with her sister Mandy, opened the first Mandy’s create-your-own salad bar… the rest is history. “I’ve learnt so much from on-the-ground experience; from the book of life. In tandem with my husband giving me space to figure out who I was, my parents showed us unconditional support in our entrepreneurial venture. I’m so grateful that we stuck it out through those first years when we were putting in crazy hours and not making any money, because now we are seeing our brand thrive.”

Bridging her parents’ values with her own, Rebecca ascertains that her beliefs don’t fit into the conventions of one singular system. She has an expansive mindset that has led her down many paths of spiritual fulfillment. “We started working with the Welcome Collective 2 years ago. When we got that first call, we just dove in head first. It took over my life. I couldn’t believe the injustice. I was so deeply drawn to these families and I felt a strong sense of responsibility to give everyone the same freedoms I grew up with. Every person I’ve met is so relatable. Moms, professionals, children, fleeing their countries from these unthinkable situations; I just had to do something.” Rebecca says. “We are here to connect with one another. That’s the human spirit, to give. The first family I met at WeCo is like my second family. They went through something so profound and we met them at that moment and it connected us. They are a huge part of my life. They are family.”

As a I listened to Rebecca speak so passionately about WeCo, something clicked inside of me. She grew up with such a strong sense of family, and although in her upbringing, the messaging was contained to her nuclear unit, the definition of family is an abstract one. And so the cycle goes, we take the lessons from our parents and we transform them into something bigger.